So… u know.. I was home early today. Got nothing to do.
June has always reminded me of something bad.
The biggest bad.
The weirdest bad.
The baddest of bad.
The worst bad ever.
The bad of the bad.
Its so bad that … I sometimes wish that when I wake up one morning or whatever time that is, that bad thing is miraculously erased from my memory. Amnesia is not a very bad thing sometimes. Specially if its selected.
And this ‘bad’ thingy is one of the thing – the ONLY thing – way up on the list, and there are no seconds – that I would like to totally – completely – wholly – absolutely – wholeheartedly - surely erase.
And I meant that in every word every writer had ever meant to write.
But things like that never happened in real life. The selected amnesia part - I meant to say..
And when its june, I find myself feeling totally bad about my self.
So, a lot of ‘bad’ to handle in 30 days.
I call it ‘fire’ bad.
Why??
…not like I’m gonna say it here...duh.
just get it out from me when I’m drunk. Hah. Even then..
Arrggghhh… I’m not making sense at all.
There goes June for you.
Anyway, as I was saying.. I’m home early today. Nothing to do. Staring at the four walls in my room. Wondering whether the cicak on the ceiling gonna decide to drop on my head – which I think would just kill me. Which is good. Coz dying from shock or from icky-ness (is there such a word??) is no biggie. No pain – I hope.
Anyway…… right. Nothing to do. So, took bunch of cds from VSK’s room. Love story of course. I reserved action etc when I’m normal. Since I’m in my ‘abnormal’ mood – love story is THE way. In fact it’s the ONLY way.
That explains why I only watch love story.
Damnnnnnn..
Anyway….
I started with Sex & The City – then What Happens In Vegas – then, Definitely Maybe.
I love SATC coz it reinforces my belief that no matter how many times u fall in love – or at least u thought u did – there is one out there that is made just for u. (puke-la all u want. By all means. Be my guest.) and he might just be the guy who was under your Mr Wrong list all this while.
Bleh!
If I look back, can I really identify my Mr Big and my Mr Aiden?? Can I? Of course I can. And my Mr Big still in his season 2. and I think, there’s a real possibility – the probability of it is higher than whatever odds you can think of – that he – we - will never make it to the Movie.
If you get what I mean.
WHIV is so-so. Not much connection there.
Now, DM – I had a real connection to that story. Simply coz the past – no matter how much we wanted it to stay in the past –always find its way to our present. With the internet world barging into our lives like nobody’s business – people whom we thought we had clean break with will somehow find its way to open that scar that was nicely closed and healed with their little cute current stories that u just wanna puke your intestine out and rip it into small little pieces and make our lives like… how do I say it, nothing?? And you cant just delete these ‘past’ from your list coz there is still this ‘kepoh-chi’ side of you that you just wanna find out how badly his life turns out to be.. and f$^%$&$*^ hell when its not.
Oh g’damnit!!!!!!
fuhhh... i dont mean it that way. figure of speech. u know.
I’m cool. ;P
About the connection thingy – let me catch my breath first – well, I had this friend. ‘HAD’ being the operative word. We were so close that it just doesn’t make sense. Coz I rarely get that close to someone – especially someone who broke my heart. He may not be the first one who broke it. But he broke whatever that was not broken the first time. And its good to say that I’m all broken but I’m healed. I would say, I’m fragile. And I’m laughing in my head now coz that is SO not me.
Haha. Me? Fragile? Yeah… whatever works for u.
Well, getting back to the story – the connection thingy – there’s ‘ocean’ involved. There’s ‘years’ involved. There’s ‘being friends’ involved. You know, like ‘When Harry Met Sally’ kinda thing. I think that’s just the very core of my story.
Yeah well…
And what I’m realizing is that, the movies are so grossly “I’m gonna puke” predictable. And I’m starting to think maybe, just maybe, life – if you look at it from a point of view of an observer – it’ll be just as predictable as those movies are.
So.. here I am - in my room, going through my journal (yeah by the way… I had this journal I wrote about my life story which is basically the WHOLE bunch of love @%*& story which took few years to complete. Complete in the sense that I’ve had it enough with it).
So, I was re-reading it – crying, laughing, rolling my eyes, angry, cursing, missing (damn!! I had good memory – then – dialog and all. I’m impressed!! Clap-clap-clap…) Remembering things I thought was just part of my imagination. Trying to pick a moment – like u know - in the movie – there is always THE moment when u tell urself, ‘There it is. They’re gonna be together at the end.’
But maybe, re-reading it, I wasn’t reading from the point of view of an observer but rather, as the person whom is actually living it.
I know life is nothing like movies. Don’t tell me that.
Yeah yeah… suffice to say that I didn’t find THE moment in my journal.
Again.. damn it..
And another thing I realized from re-reading it… there is NO reason for everything. There is a silver lining – but thing does not happen for a reason. Sometimes, things happened coz life happens.
There is no reason. None whatsoever.
Im here becoz I survived.
And I’m sure NOT gonna give my past the satisfaction of saying, THEY are the reason why I am here now. Not that I’m in a good place now.
still…
But then again, I wouldn’t rule out my past just yet. SOME are best NOT forgotten. SOME are best holding on to.
S.O.M.E.
not all.
At least, when I do have amnesia one fine day – I would ask myself,
WHY the hell did I hate June so much?
Why?
God knows.
And u know too.
If only you’ve been listening.
Simple as that.
based on Jodi Piccoult's novel. same title.
