... missing him(s)

At times, im consumed with so much of sadness that i started to cry uncontrollably (if there's such a word)...

It attacks me during the oddest time.. 

While i take my shower..
While im couch potato-ing, even if its comedy..
While im busy doing work..
While im driving..
and especially when im sitting down at my balcony, staring into nowhere while contributing to the high polution index..

a mere memory - just a second of it passed through my head.. & the tears will fall.. 

There's just too much of unfinished business..
Unfulfilled promises..
Broken dreams..
Not enough 'i love you-s'... 
... And it kills me to know that i cannot re-do anything about it.

Truthfully, it is for this reason that I lack the motivation to fight for me.

At times, I wholeheartedly hope that my time is near.
I told myself many times, "Get out of it.. Get out of it.." and yet, the deeper i let myself to go into solitude. Refusing any help.  Ignoring all advise.  Rejecting life outside. 

Im getting very convincing in coming up with excuses in saying no..
Some are real..
Some i just didnt try hard enough...

I guess, some give up on their attempt to reach out.
Some were readily there when i need that few moments of social interraction.
And if i never said my thank you-s..  Thank you..  It helps alot.

Mr President was my pillar of strength. *past tense emphasized* ... He has been for all those years that I've known him.. Of all the people in my life, Mr P was that one person who could get me out of it. He motivates me. And he brings clarity to my somewhat stupid brain.. 

He wasn't always there.

Its more towards me fabricating him being there for me. *whatever makes me happy*... When all along, he despises the very life of me. His word. Not mine.

When a friendship runs out its course and you are suddenly made the enemy of the century, you suddenly find yourself walking on a very thin ice. And you know its just a matter of time before that ice breaks and you'll fall so deep that theres no way of coming up to get some air.

 It feels like you fell down the stairs, your head knocked on d table corner & hot water spilled all over you..

At times, im angry at Boboi. For getting sick. For not taking care of himself. For taking that road less travelled. For dying. And I'm even angrier at him for never going into my dream just to tell me that he's at a much better place. Is it really so hard to beg whoever the guardian is for permission to visit us through our dreams? Even during mompisok, he just passed by through us! Of course, it doesnt help with a certain someone's insensitivity.. 

But still..

I dont know what the future holds anymore.
Seriously, i dont give a fcuk about it.

Do take care little brother. You are still annoying as ever.. And i miss you more than all my lifetime put together.

And as for you Mr President, there's never a day when I dont wish I could erase you from my stupid brain.