super F you

at times there are no words to express...



but when u hate - u hate.
and i do.

with every single beat of my effing heart.

*curse.curse*
i hope. i wish. i pray

is there a god?

i hate this.
i cannot breath.
r u even listening to me god?
coz i am beginning to think im praying to nothing.
why the shitty karma?
r u even up there?
ugh.

that first time..

it started out small in the pit of your stomach..

n u cant breath..

it goes up through ur system..

and it gets bigger n bigger..

and magnifies uncontrollably..

and it explodes..

and thats when u begin.

and i end.

after all these years...

for all those years that i have known the guy, i have not been able to get one celebration out of him.

not birthdays.
his or mine.

never valentine's.
no to christmas.
no to merdeka.

anniversary - what?

forget celebration. getting him long enough for dinner coffee n the whole drill would be my greatest victory..

n d odds are.. like super-against me.

that phone call will always come. every effing time. the stories ranges from someone admitted into hospital to returning stuff to urgent drawings. sometimes weddings or heaven forbids, death of a relative will be thrown into the picture.

at times, i wanted to laugh at his face telling him - that is old trick!!!

i mean - who uses that anymore?

still - whatever excuses - u dont get to choose who u like. u like them despite them being such an arse.

im not saying its ok.
im saying its stupid.
and im saying its never worth it.

i know that.
im fact, the whole world knows that.

and one can only go on for so long, never appreciated.

so.. this year.. here's my last thought & my last fight.. after 12 long years, im tired. my friendship alone will never be good enough coz im just never gonna be up that standard which he put so high..


all i wanted was to give him that celebration he never forgets..


and i didnt even get to put that candle on that cake n sing him hbd.

of coz.. i didnt even get a bite.

now.. if that is not the most embarrasing moment in my entire life - and believe me - i've done alot of stupid thing - then i dont know what is.

happy birthday you.
i tried.
that - at least - must've worth something.

and to all of u.. no comment.

Laughter is the best medicine

KabZ asked me, "are ma.lay.sian really ready for this?"


I think we are..

I loved every minute of it. Every punchline.. Those that i actually get anyway & i never laughed as hard..

Like. Seriously.

I love politically incorrect jokes like no others..

The only thing i can advise u when picking out seats for these kind of show... Never ever sit infront.. & try not to come in late..

U r just drawing attention to urself.. Its the LAST place u'd want to be.. Me & KabZ moved to d back row after d intermission. And we sat at d 3rd row.

Haha..

U crack me up.. Ohhh vijay- jai..

A gay comedian said..
"aaaahhhh woman. Cant live with them. dun have too."

KabZ then whispered to me, "ooh.. My new punchline!"

Blardy hell..

The Prophecy...

Its truly an honest to God .. OMG moment for me...

See if u can figure it out...





By the way.. In case u havent notice.. Its my birthday!!

So... Can u see it now?

Is that good or bad sign?

Just one word...

DAMN....

Curiousity Kills the Cat..

Seriously d...


..... Not a babe meh?

Dude!!!!

Always On My Mind

James sang that song just now in A.Idol top 5..

and... U know how i said a song can transport u to a place u never really thought of visiting..?

Well, this song is one of them song..

I never really mentioned this one person in my blog before... Not during those moments we were together. I dont think so, at least..

Maybe - in passing.

Somehow tonite.. strangely enough.. I remember those moments.. The littlest time stolen.. Everything from the very beginning - it was on borrowed time.. And a very very very small part of me that is from the furthest corner of my forgotten heart - misses him...

Its weird... Coz time totally erase that part of me a long long time ago...

He said it once when we had our stupid - unknown - source - fight.., "it felt like a cold hand touches my heart and made it stop.."...

For whatever stupid reason there is... A very cold hand touches mine tonite.

You do come across this head of mine every now and then.. and thats about it. The memories are no longer available for me to ponder upon nor do i want too..

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Hmmmm... My precious.. ;)

Like i said.. Its just weird.

Yours truly,
Once your smeagol.