after all these years...

for all those years that i have known the guy, i have not been able to get one celebration out of him.

not birthdays.
his or mine.

never valentine's.
no to christmas.
no to merdeka.

anniversary - what?

forget celebration. getting him long enough for dinner coffee n the whole drill would be my greatest victory..

n d odds are.. like super-against me.

that phone call will always come. every effing time. the stories ranges from someone admitted into hospital to returning stuff to urgent drawings. sometimes weddings or heaven forbids, death of a relative will be thrown into the picture.

at times, i wanted to laugh at his face telling him - that is old trick!!!

i mean - who uses that anymore?

still - whatever excuses - u dont get to choose who u like. u like them despite them being such an arse.

im not saying its ok.
im saying its stupid.
and im saying its never worth it.

i know that.
im fact, the whole world knows that.

and one can only go on for so long, never appreciated.

so.. this year.. here's my last thought & my last fight.. after 12 long years, im tired. my friendship alone will never be good enough coz im just never gonna be up that standard which he put so high..


all i wanted was to give him that celebration he never forgets..


and i didnt even get to put that candle on that cake n sing him hbd.

of coz.. i didnt even get a bite.

now.. if that is not the most embarrasing moment in my entire life - and believe me - i've done alot of stupid thing - then i dont know what is.

happy birthday you.
i tried.
that - at least - must've worth something.

and to all of u.. no comment.