Boboi called me the one with the 'evil stare' and who looks like Brittany Murphy.
He died on 8 May 2013 at 3.50am due to heart failure. Its weird coz he was still OK that morning. and when he had difficulties in breathing somewhere around 10-ish pm, he waited till the last minute before getting someone to call home.
'9" was his final word. Its the last digit of my father's hp no. The one number that he uses all his strength to say outloud.
Reviving him alone was hard. He was struggling to breath and we were told that there was a 10 minute's lapse of him without oxygen. Even if he had survived this, he would have had brain damage and maybe, would not even be able to recognize any of us.
Back then, I refused to believe that. I know Boboi will fight for his life. He would want to live. I have hope for him to get up and be his normal self asking for 'food of the day' or 'drink of the day' or whatever it is that fancies him. But in the far corner of my heart, I know he's tired too. It was always testing after testing. but never a finality.
I had hope.
Everybody hoped.
We were not warned. We were not told anything.
No time frame.
and we took things for granted that one day he will come back home again and we'll get to move on from this.
He came back eventually.
Just live-less.
I cried the minute I saw his heartbeat monitor show "??" via pictures in whatsapp. The rest of the kutZ was there saying their goodbyes. I never get to say my goodbyes to him.
Though i live a sea away, i felt comfort knowing he was there, safe and alive and irritate my mum like nobody's business. Now, i will never find him there. I will never find him any where. Not in this lifetime and it feels like shit.
We never had death in the family. The first time is always the hardest? I dont think so. I dont think I can even survive another this.
I lost a grandfather before. But losing a sibling is a different ballgame. Especially if you are not ready and there are a lot of unfinished business, promises yet to be fulfilled and life yet to be lived.
It hurts so much and the first hour of knowing his untimely demise, my soul just cried and I just cant stop my heart from crying outloud. It feels as though someone ripped my heart out and cut it into small little pieces.
It feels empty.
Death is so final!
It makes me wonder, what are the purpose of his life? What's the purpose of everyone's life for that matter?
If I die one day, I wonder whether there is any good thing about me to ponder upon. Did I touch anybody's life? Did I fulfilled a purpose? or did I just live one day to the next without any purpose?
Am I just wasting my life away doing nothing meaningful?
I'm glad to know all the good things I heard about Boboi in his living years. Its weird how I knew him as is different than how others knew him.
I have this picture in my head of him when he was 3-4 years old running across the road to our neighbour's house. and our neighbour will send him back. This would happen a few times on a daily basis. We had no gate yet.
once a gansauon... always a gansauon.
I miss him.
I miss him so much.
and there's never a day where I wish I know where he is exactly now.
and I wish there's a re-do button in life.
He's just a memory now.
and that kinda sucks.
I love you little brother.
Please be OK up there.
Dont be lost.
I hope you are happy there.
Please be happy.
and please take care of them up there.
Be there for me when its my time k.
in memory of
johann jeremiah kutai @ boboi
14.08.1989 - 08.05.2013
