its less than 2 months to new year.. and i cant even remember what was my resolution this year. was there any?
well.. truthfully, i have not been myself for the past few months. since september - to be exact. i thought it was just a phase at first. bad month.
and the trend continues.
october - another bad month.
there's always one issue after another.
it turns out november being the worst ever.
in stock market terms - ALL TIME LOW.
im on the verge of bursting into tears. anytime. anywhere.
my heart in constant pain. it beats at a faster rate. its hard to even breath. it hurts to even breath. at some point i wish i stop breathing totally.
im being tested. professionally. personally. home-ly. financially.
the four corners that made me - ME.
taking painkillers every hour or so doesnt help coz i realise it doesnt really kill the pain your soul is feeling.
and i resorted to sleep.
and sleep.
and sleep.
and i cant eat. and when i do eat - i eat as much as i can to make do those times that i wont or cant eat.
my undergarments are getting looser and looser. serious shit. but im still fat as ever.
best diet regime ever.
i miss my long hair. i seriously hate my hair now. and i promise i wont ever ever cut it off ever again.
*trim doesnt count*
it feels like i lost my 'power' when i cut it. u know, like samson.
was it samson?
at times, i need a shoulder. i seriously & desparately need a shoulder. i need to cry out and let it all out off my system. but im not very good in that... not with everyday people. and stuff are building up in my system - as i write - and i dont think getting pissed drunk is the answer. coz i dont want to say stuff i cant erase. and i dont want to share stuff that id rather bring to my grave.
had here been hollywood.. i would be diagnosed as having manic depression. but i cant afford to be depressed. one needs to be super rich to indulge in depression mode. and i need to be mentally alert during working hours which i keep on dragging it longer and longer coz i find myself functioning better - mentally - during those times.
maybe i've been here too long. i'm feeling restless all over again.
back in 2004 - i packed up and went back to kk.
so, where can i run away to now?
im like tom hanks. who cant go back and yet cant get out from the airport.
i need to get myself out of this - whatever phase this is.
someone once told me.. reach for the star.. at least when u fall, u'll fall on the moon.
maybe.. what i need is to fall on real ground before i can stand up again.
im still fallling - its a long way from moon to earth.
its gonna hurt soon.
but i cant wait to stand up strong again.
even with all the bruises.
dont ask.
well.. truthfully, i have not been myself for the past few months. since september - to be exact. i thought it was just a phase at first. bad month.
and the trend continues.
october - another bad month.
there's always one issue after another.
it turns out november being the worst ever.
in stock market terms - ALL TIME LOW.
im on the verge of bursting into tears. anytime. anywhere.
my heart in constant pain. it beats at a faster rate. its hard to even breath. it hurts to even breath. at some point i wish i stop breathing totally.
im being tested. professionally. personally. home-ly. financially.
the four corners that made me - ME.
taking painkillers every hour or so doesnt help coz i realise it doesnt really kill the pain your soul is feeling.
and i resorted to sleep.
and sleep.
and sleep.
and i cant eat. and when i do eat - i eat as much as i can to make do those times that i wont or cant eat.
my undergarments are getting looser and looser. serious shit. but im still fat as ever.
best diet regime ever.
i miss my long hair. i seriously hate my hair now. and i promise i wont ever ever cut it off ever again.
*trim doesnt count*
it feels like i lost my 'power' when i cut it. u know, like samson.
was it samson?
at times, i need a shoulder. i seriously & desparately need a shoulder. i need to cry out and let it all out off my system. but im not very good in that... not with everyday people. and stuff are building up in my system - as i write - and i dont think getting pissed drunk is the answer. coz i dont want to say stuff i cant erase. and i dont want to share stuff that id rather bring to my grave.
had here been hollywood.. i would be diagnosed as having manic depression. but i cant afford to be depressed. one needs to be super rich to indulge in depression mode. and i need to be mentally alert during working hours which i keep on dragging it longer and longer coz i find myself functioning better - mentally - during those times.
maybe i've been here too long. i'm feeling restless all over again.
back in 2004 - i packed up and went back to kk.
so, where can i run away to now?
im like tom hanks. who cant go back and yet cant get out from the airport.
i need to get myself out of this - whatever phase this is.
someone once told me.. reach for the star.. at least when u fall, u'll fall on the moon.
maybe.. what i need is to fall on real ground before i can stand up again.
im still fallling - its a long way from moon to earth.
its gonna hurt soon.
but i cant wait to stand up strong again.
even with all the bruises.
dont ask.
2 comments:
Life is a stage bah. We play our part. But then again we are all here as supporting roles sometimes. You can always ask me to belay you when you climb that wall of life.
*hugs*
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