a few easters ago.. well.. long long time ago.. during easter weekend.. my heart got broken into tiny little pieces. which was weird coz it was already broken to begin with.. and yet, it amazes me how it can get broken some more..
anyway.. it was way past midnight.. and i knew he would be driving home that time. what i didnt expect was that - he wasnt alone.
due to his supposedly 'overly-over-the-top-till-go-toilet-also-cannot' busy schedule (*or at least that was what i was led to believe - which i did*) - we didnt really get to spend so much time together. we did - i guess - but now that i think about it, it was not as much as i would've expected from my then boyfriend - i would say.
it was one of them relationship that was so wrong to begin with, to be in and to end with.
but having been in a normal relationship before - where the guys are somewhat normal and trustworthy, nothing really prepared me for this guy. everything about him screams 'liar'. i knew it. everybody kinda imply it to me. but i never really acknowledged it.
i know there are guys like him out there. i just never thought i would be unfortunate enough to have met him. its like, you tend to think all these bad things only happen to other people. never to you. and i didnt really think i was 'evil' enough to have deserved such experience.
anyway - i never really explained to people what happened.. it seems easier to act sad and depressed (which i was anyway) than to admit i've been played for a fool.
coz nobody wants to admit they are just foolish and naive to all this.
but now that i think about it, what's the harm in admitting that i was a fool and was naive?
coz i was..
and i still am.
but.. truth is, even if there were signs everywhere telling me to run before its too late, though i dont really trust him, i tend to believe whatever 'excuses' there is/are.
so... i kinda get the concept that trusting someone is totally different from believing someone. one can exist without the other.
its just that.. if you find yourself in that situation.. just one advise.. let go..
just let go.
so anyway, back to that fateful night, i heard a female's voice somewhere at the background. and i asked him like any other normal gf would've asked, "are you alone there?"
Him: I'm driving la..
sK : Tell me you are alone there..
Him : Call you back later.
sK : No. Say it outloud first.
the female character in that car with him laughed. God knows why.
my then heart dropped to a point of no return. damn it. it effing hurts.
sK : Just say it.
(*had he said it, i would've taken his word literally*) - wierd eh?
Him : Why are you so stupid?
and he hang up on me like he did million times before.
it was only at that point of time when everything becomes crystal clear.. there were suddenly pointers everywhere showing to all the signs which i never really saw before or may have refused to see..
that was the first time when i questioned my self-worthiness (if there's such a word). my self-esteem had gone down the drain. gone are my self-worth. gone are my water-face. gone everything. i never really feel like a downright outcast until that day.
i mean you broke someone's heart. it happens to the very best of us. but never in my life had i put the other person so low like the other person worth nothing. or worst lower than nothing.
believe me. it took few years for me to gain back that confidence. though i dont think i ever really get most of it back but i do know now that i am worth something. that THIS guy doesnt define me.
what i really wanted to know after all these years was that, why me? what did i do? and the worst thing was that, we were friends prior to the relationship.
its not something i would wish to befall on any of my younger sibblings. or to my goodfriends. coz its not really a good place to be in.
but when you are THAT young, nothing is grey. its only either black or white. you tend to think that bad things only happend to bad people.
funny why i re-live that moment now. it was easter few days back and i was reading through my journal. and i remembered what it felt like to be stupid. so, since i cant seem to stop thinking about it, better blog about it.. and let this be a lesson to girls every where.
that some guys can be THAT mean. no matter what excuses you put inside your head or you make yourself believe, some guys are capable just about everything. and if you're lucky enough, the next guy - even if it didnt lasts, will erase that moment. and you will feel good about yourself again.
dont get me wrong. that moment is way behind me. i dont really give it much thought until last weekend. and i never really put all my hatred (*which i should*) on that guy. coz, no matter what happens, you cant tell your feelings that what you felt was wrong (*though it was*). you feel what you felt.
it is what it is.
anyway.. this is such a wierd entry. dun u think?
i think so. but since this is my blog - who's gonna stop me right?
it has been a long weekend. and having nothing better to do - it got me into alot of thinking. that there are alot of stories untold in my life. that if i were to die tomorrow, maybe, i never really get to tell people these stories. and whatever it is in my blog will be whats left to be interpreted.
they said there are 2 sides of each story. there are many sides to the above moment. some are left untold coz its easier that way. as for his side of his story, welll.. thats another story.
maybe one day.
or maybe not.
like i said, its easier that way.
:)
and thats how, the story ends.
anyway.. it was way past midnight.. and i knew he would be driving home that time. what i didnt expect was that - he wasnt alone.
due to his supposedly 'overly-over-the-top-till-go-toilet-also-cannot' busy schedule (*or at least that was what i was led to believe - which i did*) - we didnt really get to spend so much time together. we did - i guess - but now that i think about it, it was not as much as i would've expected from my then boyfriend - i would say.
it was one of them relationship that was so wrong to begin with, to be in and to end with.
but having been in a normal relationship before - where the guys are somewhat normal and trustworthy, nothing really prepared me for this guy. everything about him screams 'liar'. i knew it. everybody kinda imply it to me. but i never really acknowledged it.
i know there are guys like him out there. i just never thought i would be unfortunate enough to have met him. its like, you tend to think all these bad things only happen to other people. never to you. and i didnt really think i was 'evil' enough to have deserved such experience.
anyway - i never really explained to people what happened.. it seems easier to act sad and depressed (which i was anyway) than to admit i've been played for a fool.
coz nobody wants to admit they are just foolish and naive to all this.
but now that i think about it, what's the harm in admitting that i was a fool and was naive?
coz i was..
and i still am.
but.. truth is, even if there were signs everywhere telling me to run before its too late, though i dont really trust him, i tend to believe whatever 'excuses' there is/are.
so... i kinda get the concept that trusting someone is totally different from believing someone. one can exist without the other.
its just that.. if you find yourself in that situation.. just one advise.. let go..
just let go.
so anyway, back to that fateful night, i heard a female's voice somewhere at the background. and i asked him like any other normal gf would've asked, "are you alone there?"
Him: I'm driving la..
sK : Tell me you are alone there..
Him : Call you back later.
sK : No. Say it outloud first.
the female character in that car with him laughed. God knows why.
my then heart dropped to a point of no return. damn it. it effing hurts.
sK : Just say it.
(*had he said it, i would've taken his word literally*) - wierd eh?
Him : Why are you so stupid?
and he hang up on me like he did million times before.
it was only at that point of time when everything becomes crystal clear.. there were suddenly pointers everywhere showing to all the signs which i never really saw before or may have refused to see..
that was the first time when i questioned my self-worthiness (if there's such a word). my self-esteem had gone down the drain. gone are my self-worth. gone are my water-face. gone everything. i never really feel like a downright outcast until that day.
i mean you broke someone's heart. it happens to the very best of us. but never in my life had i put the other person so low like the other person worth nothing. or worst lower than nothing.
believe me. it took few years for me to gain back that confidence. though i dont think i ever really get most of it back but i do know now that i am worth something. that THIS guy doesnt define me.
what i really wanted to know after all these years was that, why me? what did i do? and the worst thing was that, we were friends prior to the relationship.
its not something i would wish to befall on any of my younger sibblings. or to my goodfriends. coz its not really a good place to be in.
but when you are THAT young, nothing is grey. its only either black or white. you tend to think that bad things only happend to bad people.
funny why i re-live that moment now. it was easter few days back and i was reading through my journal. and i remembered what it felt like to be stupid. so, since i cant seem to stop thinking about it, better blog about it.. and let this be a lesson to girls every where.
that some guys can be THAT mean. no matter what excuses you put inside your head or you make yourself believe, some guys are capable just about everything. and if you're lucky enough, the next guy - even if it didnt lasts, will erase that moment. and you will feel good about yourself again.
dont get me wrong. that moment is way behind me. i dont really give it much thought until last weekend. and i never really put all my hatred (*which i should*) on that guy. coz, no matter what happens, you cant tell your feelings that what you felt was wrong (*though it was*). you feel what you felt.
it is what it is.
anyway.. this is such a wierd entry. dun u think?
i think so. but since this is my blog - who's gonna stop me right?
it has been a long weekend. and having nothing better to do - it got me into alot of thinking. that there are alot of stories untold in my life. that if i were to die tomorrow, maybe, i never really get to tell people these stories. and whatever it is in my blog will be whats left to be interpreted.
they said there are 2 sides of each story. there are many sides to the above moment. some are left untold coz its easier that way. as for his side of his story, welll.. thats another story.
maybe one day.
or maybe not.
like i said, its easier that way.
:)
and thats how, the story ends.
1 comment:
hi dear, reading your post... so sad...anyway what goes round comes round. Trust me, someday someone is going to hurt him like a million times more painful than what you had experienced. Also everything happens for a reason..
good nite
aunty angie
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